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[31 Mar 2008|12:46am] |
well, hi.
god, it all makes sense from the distance of a couple years away, doesn't it.
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[29 Nov 2006|12:32am] |
i haven't really felt empty in a while but i do now and i don't quite understand why.
i feel like i live my life in a constant state of anticipation of something specific yet to come.
and right now, i'm unsure of what i should put my anticipating energy into.
and that makes me feel empty.
and sort of useless.
i'm obsessed with the future.
i've always been one of those kinds who live in the future.
not really in the past, and rarely ever in the present.
i really don't know how to live in the present.
it seems that everything good is just ahead
" just around the next bend.
nope, not there.
oops, i meant just one more.
no?
alright, one more, i promise.
ok fine. the next one. i'm certain.
i'm certain it'll be there!"
and on it goes.
but i think 'it' won't ever be 'there'.
i've created this illusion of something.
what is it that i am waiting for?
what is it that i anticipate?
it's one of those nights.
life just seems awfully bleak right now.
and nothing inside me can come up with
any valid reasoning as to why.
huh.
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[19 Nov 2006|10:15pm] |
happy three and a half year anniversary to ewe!!!!!!!
four days until we re-unite!!
i can't wait! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
( hanna and jeffrey: a retrospective )
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[26 Oct 2006|11:41pm] |
feeling off these past couple of days
missing you is painful
i feel like there's a piece of me missing..everywhere i go, everything i see, everything that happens, every thought..i want to share with you so bad. i just want you to be here sharing it all with me.
taking in life with me..discovering all these little things together.
and somehow filling you in over the telephone isn't the same.
you're not here so i feel heavy.
i find myself dragging my feet almost everywhere i go.
always wishing for another time.
your incredible
most
beautiful beautiful
beautiful
soul...
has robbed me of satisfaction in my day-to-day.
i carry your absence with me everywhere i go.
it's always there. and i'm always aware that it's there.
painfully aware.
a big burlap bag, filled with your absence, like some heavy stone..
and all day long i'm collecting little thoughts and notes and sights
on life..and throwing them in there..squeezing them in..
saving them up for you..
i can never find them all though.
it's such a strange feeling..being apart from the one i want to be with most.
always being somewhere..with my heart elsewhere.
staring drifty-eyed into the sights ahead..wishing always wishing for you.
i'm tired of wishing. i am..
i miss you deer.
this is getting hard.
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[23 Oct 2006|02:26pm] |
i've been made aware of the ways in which i've hurt certain very important people in my life.
ways that were unintentional, but based on behavior that i was definately in control of.
it's really a strange and sort of funny feeling..
to really recognize the ways in which i've been a fool.
i feel deeply regretful for all incidents and i wish i could take them back.
but at the same time, i wouldn't have learned what i have
had i not stumbled.
it's teaching me very elementary things
that i think i've failed to learn in the past
due to my impatience and my administering of bandage-like remedies.
i'm 'serving time' right now.
i know that it will take time, effort and care to re-establish what once was.
it's definately been a very humbling experience.
i think i needed it.
if i had no pride....
or even, if i had less pride....
how much more able
i'd allow myself to be
more in line with
who i actually
want to be....
in other news..
third year has definately been eye-opening so far.
in terms of my own learning and development as an artiste..
i'm learning to learn for learning's sake.
to allow myself the time needed to explore, to make mistakes, to try not to take projects so seriously.
as if they will one day define the crux of my identity as an artist or some craziness like that.
i'm learning how to think in this way and so far i think it's really expanding my ability to be more...i dont know the word.
it's helping me i think.
what took us some months to build....
in one frantic moment
i yanked out that one essential stone of support
and it's now going to take some re-building.
i wish it weren't so but i pray that i learn true
patience
through this all.
something that i desperately need.
and with that..i am out to run some errands....
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[19 Oct 2006|10:02pm] |
i'm addicted to jello and relish.
and kimchi.
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| on marriage |
[16 Oct 2006|03:51pm] |
for about a year or so now, my thoughts on marriage have been becoming pessimistic.
i've acquired a pretty cynical view on marriage, though most wouldn't guess it, as i talk about the hope of marriage for myself often.
but the truth is, whenever i do speak about relationships and marriage and whatnot, there are always these little seeds, no baby plants, of thought that have intertwined themselves into my original thoughts.
they are the ones that have me doubting the concept and meaning of marriage - sometimes mocking it.
they have me questioning if marriage has any validity at all in this day and age, or in any day and age.
but i read something today, given by a dear friend, on marriage.
on marriage and sex and love.
and i plan to read it over and over again.
i've always been a really hopeful person.
no matter what, i'm always hoping for the good in the back of my heart.
(though this also leads me to many disappoints..but that is another story on it own)
and this book, i think has strengthened that hope in me..
that marriage IS valid, it IS relevant, it IS sacred and there is some level of mystery about it...
like art and God..
that make it meaningful and....
i don't know.
i don't really know what i'm thinking right now..
but i do know that this 'message' came at an interesting time..
what are your thoughts on marriage?
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[10 Oct 2006|11:22pm] |
today i said goodbye to my brother
and all of a sudden i started to cry
and my face got all contorted and i couldn't hold it in
and i was almost weeping
and i swear i felt it break i did
it hurt so bad
and i don't really know why
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[29 Sep 2006|03:59pm] |
it's been a
b u m p y
start.
september is always a strange time.
i'm surprised that i still take so long to adjust to being away in school each fall.
it seems that every day brings on all these new ideas and new plans for my future.
every day my reality seems to shift. every day i seem to come up with a new philosophy to live by.
every day i question yesterday's philosophy, scrap it, and come up with a new one.
it's tiring, i tell you.
last weekend was one of the loveliest times of my life.
i went to good old london town to visit jeffrey
and i really learned some things about co-habitation.
namely: that there will be so many lessons when that time comes about.
it's exciting and energizing for me to think about my future with him.
it's no longer this hazy, blurry dream. i can see it.
i can see it being real and i can see myself ready.
i almost feel ready.
plans plans plans..i come up with future plans every day.
my notebook as of late is just being filled up with all these plans for the next several years.
i'm sure it will be really interesting to look back on those pages 10 years from now
and laugh.
because things never seem to work out as planned eh?
to sum it up, grad school, marriage, toronto and vancouver are topping that list.
thanksgiving weekend next week.
my brother from korea is coming home along with most of my extended family.
i'm spilling over with excitement.
i need some warm family comfort. nothing does it like family, nope.
and i've been craving turkey for about a month and a half now.
i will have my fill o yes.
there's my little update. i thought i'd just pop in to say hello
since my affair with facebook has left livejournal quite neglected.
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[11 Sep 2006|10:13pm] |
for the next five minutes, i'll allow myself to be as weak and as self-pitying as possible.
you've been warned.
o gosh o gosh o gosh this city has the unique capability to make me feel so entirely and surely insignificant.
i miss my nest, i don't want to learn, i want to be comfortable right now.
i ache for comfort.
upcoming projects scare me more than anything. i rarely feel excitement for them.
maybe it's just the whole getting back into the school grind thing but..this is hard.
i miss you so bad it hurts so bad.
i hate that i'm always longing for the future when i'm here.
i want to long for these moments.
see, i do actually want to want these moments.
but my heart. she just won't have it, damn her.
but i suppose we can never force ourselves to feel anything, can we.
i don't like my single mattress here, no i don't. i can't sleep diagonally anymore. i don't like that i wake up in the mornings feeling fine but come post-dinner time..i want nothing more than to wallow in my disatisfaction and longing for something else. why am i so terrified of this painting. that terrible whitness of that terrible surface. i swear, it terrifies me. it keeps me from sleep and it haunts me in my dreams. what will i fill that void with? will that void ever be filled successfully. is this going to be yet another failed attempt at something i do not even know what is?!
i hate that this scares me so bad. i hate that i know that it will affect my performance.
no, unlike everyone else in this city, i am not really too happy to be back.
i'd rather be home.
and goddamn, it feels good to be honest with myself right now.
that is all...
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[20 Aug 2006|10:10pm] |
what a night.
it was so horrible so shit that it was begging to be laughed at
i had a little panic moment and screamed a bit in the car
and banged the steering wheel
then i think i just laughed a little
because mannnn, sometimes things are so shit
that it's actually really really funny.
and laughing makes me feel like it's gonna be a-ok.
i want to bend easy.
i'd like to be easy for you.
and for me.
for me, yea too.
easy to be with easy easy easy
i want to be easy.
so so bad.
you teach me so much.
you teach me so much.
just by being the way you are
you're just what i need i think
happy anniversary, love.
that was a little weird, but strangely enough
it may go down as one of my most treasured memories.
my life savings. hehehe...
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[15 Aug 2006|11:39pm] |
you came home to your baby
and put in your obligated 3 minutes of greetings and talk about
stuff that neither one of us will remember
within the next 10 minutes.
you entered my room so slowly, so reluctantly
and left it so quickly.
mumbling some kind of excuse as to why you have to leave as you did.
i don't know how to feel about you anymore.
i feel like this is a lost cause.
can i forgive you every day for the rest of my life?
is that the only choice that i am left with?
i want to cry but i am too lazy to.
and i don't want to waste any more tears on this.
they're wasted tears, they are.
on a fool who doesn't even know he is one.
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[15 Aug 2006|11:22pm] |
the fine art of pretending.
i can see you have it mastered pretty well.
i sympathize with your intentions.
i might be learning something from you even.
i wonder if it helps to pretend.
i heard you, in the comfort of your room
in the comfort of your own language
scold him over the phone.
afterwards, he was silent.
so you said
"...come home since your babies have arrived."
i'm one of those babies.
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[19 Jul 2006|12:49am] |
summer's been quite good so far.
it seems like ages ago that i was dancing and writing in summer school in montreal.
but it was only a month ago.
so much has happened, so much has changed within the past couple months.
i feel like a different person.
i feel that i feel like a new different person every time i wake to a new day.
i'm insanely fickle and i'm trying to force my fickleness out of me.
i fell off the workout-binge wagon.
i'm happy for myself, proud of myself.
i like not caring. (as much) about the superficialities that so controlled me before.
i love not caring. it's liberating it really is.
i miss my brother.
he's got a new girlfriend that makes him want to stay in korea.
i want to meet her.
peach, that's her name.
i wish i knew him better.
i wish he knew me better.
prayer..has become my life source.
i need to pray like i need to breathe.
i learn most when i pray.
i bend and step out most when i pray.
i wish i could live like how i pray.
that's my prayer i suppose.
i have an artshow coming up tomorrow night.
my nerves will be acting up i guarantee.
i'm starting to want us again.
i stopped for a while, i think.
not completely, but i didn't think so much about it.
but now, it's coming back.
my insecurities...
nothing will ever satisfy me, i admit.
i'm learning though.
this was so scrambled.
but i just wanted to say,
hello lj world.
i'm back and i'd like to stay for a little while again.
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[27 May 2006|10:52pm] |
rebecca leaves and all of a sudden a silly thought enters my mind
something along the lines of "there goes my salvation.."
and i watch her walk away with a mix of sadness and utter fear of losing my faith once again.
but i know better and i know she knows that i know better
and i know that it all happened for a reason
a reason that i can very well see and feel and touch and know.
that was the most refreshing week i have had in a very very long time
and now i am on a mission to pick up the pieces of my faith and to re-build it, nurture it, strengthen it, build it once again with conviction and confidence and without an ounce of shame.
what a whirlwind of a week
my breath of fresh air..bega, thanks so much for visiting
i love love love you and i will see you sOOn. (let's hope)
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[14 Apr 2006|10:03am] |
these past weeks have been so emotionally irritating and stressful.
i'm at a point now where i really just want to kill somebody.
ok well, not somebody. maybe an animal.
no, actually, not really. a plant.
ok? i want to kill a plant.
drown it or something
dah!
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[02 Apr 2006|12:27am] |
counting down
twelve days
then i'm free.
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[01 Apr 2006|08:27pm] |
i'm having one of those days.
i feel like the world's biggest Loser.
i just want to hide.
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[29 Mar 2006|12:31pm] |
for so long i've had this nagging fear
that i will end up
passively
falling into another's plans.
that my own desires for my life would be
tossed aside
when someone else's plans - that have been calculated very well,
ask for me to join them.
no, i don't want your plans.
and i don't want yours either.
all my life i've had this nagging fear
that i will end up
living in accordance with your lives.
that all these 'radical' thoughts of mine
would just fade out eventually,
with age perhaps.
and that i'd end up just like you and one day
throw my hands onto my head
and shake it
vigorously
wondering "how did this happen? i've become you!!"
no, i will not give Compromise its satisfaction!
for quite some time now
i've had this nagging fear
that my lack of plans will inevitably
push me in
the direction
of your plans.
and that i might
settle
for mediocrity at its finest.
i'd live a life
that wasn't written for me
and i'd teach myself to smile through it.
the smile, that's what i'm afraid of.
becoming genuinely satisfied with mediocrity
and every now and then, on some lazy tuesday afternoon,
i'd throw my hands on my head
and shake shake shake it
furiously
and wonder "where have i been? how did this happen!!?"
compliance has never been asked of me outrightly, i know.
but i know that the desire is there.
ideally, you'd like me to compromise.
ideally, i would turn out just like you.
and i don't despise you for it
or judge you for it.
because i feel it too, i do.
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hanstheman's journal