i am i am i am

hanstheman @ 2008-03-31T00:46:00

2008-03-31T04:50:00Z

well, hi.

god, it all makes sense from the distance of a couple years away, doesn't it.

hanstheman @ 2006-11-29T00:32:00

2006-11-29T04:32:20Z

i haven't really felt empty in a while but i do now and i don't quite understand why.
i feel like i live my life in a constant state of anticipation of something specific yet to come.
and right now, i'm unsure of what i should put my anticipating energy into.
and that makes me feel empty.
and sort of useless.

i'm obsessed with the future.
i've always been one of those kinds who live in the future.
not really in the past, and rarely ever in the present.
i really don't know how to live in the present.
it seems that everything good is just ahead

" just around the next bend.
nope, not there.
oops, i meant just one more.
no?
alright, one more, i promise.
ok fine. the next one. i'm certain.
i'm certain it'll be there!"

and on it goes.

but i think 'it' won't ever be 'there'.
i've created this illusion of something.

what is it that i am waiting for?
what is it that i anticipate?

it's one of those nights.
life just seems awfully bleak right now.
and nothing inside me can come up with
any valid reasoning as to why.
huh.

hanstheman @ 2006-11-19T22:15:00

2006-11-20T02:15:41Z

happy three and a half year anniversary to ewe!!!!!!!

four days until we re-unite!!
i can't wait! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

3 years ago.
in michelle's Van Of Fun.
outside our then-hot-spot Day and Night.
ewe still make me laugh like this
and i hope we take stupid pictures together until we both die!

2 years ago today.
one of your visits to montreal
i think we were lounging after eating or somethin..
look at your hair!
i think that was a bad hair year for both of us..haha

a year ago today.
me and my two bestests.
in london town, picture takin fest with laurie

and this morning, i woke up to these puppies that smell like happiness
being delievered to my front door!
eeeeee i cried a little

thursday won't come soon enough!!!!

happy nannniveerrrsarrry my love!!
you're my favourite and you'll always be foreverandeverandeverandeverandeverrrrr
mpmpmpmpmpmpmpmp

hanstheman @ 2006-10-26T23:41:00

2006-10-27T03:36:55Z

feeling off these past couple of days
missing you is painful
i feel like there's a piece of me missing..everywhere i go, everything i see, everything that happens, every thought..i want to share with you so bad. i just want you to be here sharing it all with me.
taking in life with me..discovering all these little things together.
and somehow filling you in over the telephone isn't the same.

you're not here so i feel heavy.
i find myself dragging my feet almost everywhere i go.
always wishing for another time.
your incredible
most
beautiful beautiful
beautiful
soul...
has robbed me of satisfaction in my day-to-day.

i carry your absence with me everywhere i go.
it's always there. and i'm always aware that it's there.
painfully aware.
a big burlap bag, filled with your absence, like some heavy stone..
and all day long i'm collecting little thoughts and notes and sights
on life..and throwing them in there..squeezing them in..
saving them up for you..
i can never find them all though.

it's such a strange feeling..being apart from the one i want to be with most.
always being somewhere..with my heart elsewhere.
staring drifty-eyed into the sights ahead..wishing always wishing for you.
i'm tired of wishing. i am..

i miss you deer.
this is getting hard.

hanstheman @ 2006-10-23T14:26:00

2006-10-23T18:36:36Z

i've been made aware of the ways in which i've hurt certain very important people in my life.
ways that were unintentional, but based on behavior that i was definately in control of.

it's really a strange and sort of funny feeling..
to really recognize the ways in which i've been a fool.
i feel deeply regretful for all incidents and i wish i could take them back.
but at the same time, i wouldn't have learned what i have
had i not stumbled.

it's teaching me very elementary things
that i think i've failed to learn in the past
due to my impatience and my administering of bandage-like remedies.
i'm 'serving time' right now.
i know that it will take time, effort and care to re-establish what once was.

it's definately been a very humbling experience.
i think i needed it.

if i had no pride....
or even, if i had less pride....
how much more able
i'd allow myself to be
more in line with
who i actually
want to be....

in other news..
third year has definately been eye-opening so far.
in terms of my own learning and development as an artiste..
i'm learning to learn for learning's sake.
to allow myself the time needed to explore, to make mistakes, to try not to take projects so seriously.
as if they will one day define the crux of my identity as an artist or some craziness like that.
i'm learning how to think in this way and so far i think it's really expanding my ability to be more...i dont know the word.
it's helping me i think.

what took us some months to build....
in one frantic moment
i yanked out that one essential stone of support
and it's now going to take some re-building.
i wish it weren't so but i pray that i learn true
patience
through this all.
something that i desperately need.

and with that..i am out to run some errands....

hanstheman @ 2006-10-19T22:02:00

2006-10-20T01:59:09Z

i'm addicted to jello and relish.
and kimchi.

on marriage

2006-10-16T19:55:36Z

for about a year or so now, my thoughts on marriage have been becoming pessimistic.
i've acquired a pretty cynical view on marriage, though most wouldn't guess it, as i talk about the hope of marriage for myself often.
but the truth is, whenever i do speak about relationships and marriage and whatnot, there are always these little seeds, no baby plants, of thought that have intertwined themselves into my original thoughts.
they are the ones that have me doubting the concept and meaning of marriage - sometimes mocking it.
they have me questioning if marriage has any validity at all in this day and age, or in any day and age.

but i read something today, given by a dear friend, on marriage.
on marriage and sex and love.
and i plan to read it over and over again.
i've always been a really hopeful person.
no matter what, i'm always hoping for the good in the back of my heart.
(though this also leads me to many disappoints..but that is another story on it own)
and this book, i think has strengthened that hope in me..
that marriage IS valid, it IS relevant, it IS sacred and there is some level of mystery about it...
like art and God..
that make it meaningful and....

i don't know.
i don't really know what i'm thinking right now..
but i do know that this 'message' came at an interesting time..

what are your thoughts on marriage?

hanstheman @ 2006-10-10T23:22:00

2006-10-11T03:19:05Z

today i said goodbye to my brother
and all of a sudden i started to cry
and my face got all contorted and i couldn't hold it in
and i was almost weeping
and i swear i felt it break i did
it hurt so bad
and i don't really know why

hanstheman @ 2006-09-29T15:59:00

2006-09-29T20:07:30Z

it's been a
b u m p y
start.

september is always a strange time.
i'm surprised that i still take so long to adjust to being away in school each fall.
it seems that every day brings on all these new ideas and new plans for my future.
every day my reality seems to shift. every day i seem to come up with a new philosophy to live by.
every day i question yesterday's philosophy, scrap it, and come up with a new one.
it's tiring, i tell you.

last weekend was one of the loveliest times of my life.
i went to good old london town to visit jeffrey
and i really learned some things about co-habitation.
namely: that there will be so many lessons when that time comes about.
it's exciting and energizing for me to think about my future with him.
it's no longer this hazy, blurry dream. i can see it.
i can see it being real and i can see myself ready.
i almost feel ready.

plans plans plans..i come up with future plans every day.
my notebook as of late is just being filled up with all these plans for the next several years.
i'm sure it will be really interesting to look back on those pages 10 years from now
and laugh.
because things never seem to work out as planned eh?
to sum it up, grad school, marriage, toronto and vancouver are topping that list.

thanksgiving weekend next week.
my brother from korea is coming home along with most of my extended family.
i'm spilling over with excitement.
i need some warm family comfort. nothing does it like family, nope.
and i've been craving turkey for about a month and a half now.
i will have my fill o yes.

there's my little update. i thought i'd just pop in to say hello
since my affair with facebook has left livejournal quite neglected.

hanstheman @ 2006-09-11T22:13:00

2006-09-12T02:22:55Z

for the next five minutes, i'll allow myself to be as weak and as self-pitying as possible.
you've been warned.

o gosh o gosh o gosh this city has the unique capability to make me feel so entirely and surely insignificant.
i miss my nest, i don't want to learn, i want to be comfortable right now.
i ache for comfort.

upcoming projects scare me more than anything. i rarely feel excitement for them.
maybe it's just the whole getting back into the school grind thing but..this is hard.
i miss you so bad it hurts so bad.

i hate that i'm always longing for the future when i'm here.
i want to long for these moments.
see, i do actually want to want these moments.
but my heart. she just won't have it, damn her.
but i suppose we can never force ourselves to feel anything, can we.

i don't like my single mattress here, no i don't. i can't sleep diagonally anymore. i don't like that i wake up in the mornings feeling fine but come post-dinner time..i want nothing more than to wallow in my disatisfaction and longing for something else. why am i so terrified of this painting. that terrible whitness of that terrible surface. i swear, it terrifies me. it keeps me from sleep and it haunts me in my dreams. what will i fill that void with? will that void ever be filled successfully. is this going to be yet another failed attempt at something i do not even know what is?!
i hate that this scares me so bad. i hate that i know that it will affect my performance.

no, unlike everyone else in this city, i am not really too happy to be back.
i'd rather be home.
and goddamn, it feels good to be honest with myself right now.
that is all...

midnight tattoo sessions with laurie

2006-08-21T03:54:50Z

the colours aren't that great, but i didn't have too many choices...
it's a cover up job..can you spot the butterfly?

hanstheman @ 2006-08-20T22:10:00

2006-08-21T02:12:54Z

what a night.
it was so horrible so shit that it was begging to be laughed at
i had a little panic moment and screamed a bit in the car
and banged the steering wheel
then i think i just laughed a little
because mannnn, sometimes things are so shit
that it's actually really really funny.
and laughing makes me feel like it's gonna be a-ok.

i want to bend easy.
i'd like to be easy for you.
and for me.
for me, yea too.
easy to be with easy easy easy
i want to be easy.
so so bad.

you teach me so much.
you teach me so much.
just by being the way you are
you're just what i need i think
happy anniversary, love.
that was a little weird, but strangely enough
it may go down as one of my most treasured memories.

my life savings. hehehe...

hanstheman @ 2006-08-15T23:39:00

2006-08-16T03:37:50Z

you came home to your baby
and put in your obligated 3 minutes of greetings and talk about
stuff that neither one of us will remember
within the next 10 minutes.

you entered my room so slowly, so reluctantly
and left it so quickly.
mumbling some kind of excuse as to why you have to leave as you did.

i don't know how to feel about you anymore.
i feel like this is a lost cause.
can i forgive you every day for the rest of my life?
is that the only choice that i am left with?

i want to cry but i am too lazy to.
and i don't want to waste any more tears on this.
they're wasted tears, they are.
on a fool who doesn't even know he is one.

hanstheman @ 2006-08-15T23:22:00

2006-08-16T03:19:40Z

the fine art of pretending.
i can see you have it mastered pretty well.
i sympathize with your intentions.
i might be learning something from you even.
i wonder if it helps to pretend.

i heard you, in the comfort of your room
in the comfort of your own language
scold him over the phone.
afterwards, he was silent.
so you said
"...come home since your babies have arrived."
i'm one of those babies.

hanstheman @ 2006-07-19T00:49:00

2006-07-19T04:55:57Z

summer's been quite good so far.
it seems like ages ago that i was dancing and writing in summer school in montreal.
but it was only a month ago.

so much has happened, so much has changed within the past couple months.
i feel like a different person.
i feel that i feel like a new different person every time i wake to a new day.
i'm insanely fickle and i'm trying to force my fickleness out of me.

i fell off the workout-binge wagon.
i'm happy for myself, proud of myself.
i like not caring. (as much) about the superficialities that so controlled me before.
i love not caring. it's liberating it really is.

i miss my brother.
he's got a new girlfriend that makes him want to stay in korea.
i want to meet her.
peach, that's her name.
i wish i knew him better.
i wish he knew me better.

prayer..has become my life source.
i need to pray like i need to breathe.
i learn most when i pray.
i bend and step out most when i pray.
i wish i could live like how i pray.
that's my prayer i suppose.

i have an artshow coming up tomorrow night.
my nerves will be acting up i guarantee.

i'm starting to want us again.
i stopped for a while, i think.
not completely, but i didn't think so much about it.
but now, it's coming back.

my insecurities...
nothing will ever satisfy me, i admit.
i'm learning though.

this was so scrambled.
but i just wanted to say,
hello lj world.
i'm back and i'd like to stay for a little while again.

hanstheman @ 2006-05-27T22:52:00

2006-05-28T03:00:13Z

rebecca leaves and all of a sudden a silly thought enters my mind
something along the lines of "there goes my salvation.."
and i watch her walk away with a mix of sadness and utter fear of losing my faith once again.
but i know better and i know she knows that i know better
and i know that it all happened for a reason
a reason that i can very well see and feel and touch and know.

that was the most refreshing week i have had in a very very long time
and now i am on a mission to pick up the pieces of my faith and to re-build it, nurture it, strengthen it, build it once again with conviction and confidence and without an ounce of shame.

what a whirlwind of a week
my breath of fresh air..bega, thanks so much for visiting
i love love love you and i will see you sOOn. (let's hope)

hanstheman @ 2006-04-14T10:03:00

2006-04-14T14:00:48Z

these past weeks have been so emotionally irritating and stressful.
i'm at a point now where i really just want to kill somebody.
ok well, not somebody. maybe an animal.
no, actually, not really. a plant.
ok? i want to kill a plant.
drown it or something
dah!

hanstheman @ 2006-04-02T00:27:00

2006-04-02T05:27:58Z

counting down
twelve days
then i'm free.

hanstheman @ 2006-04-01T20:27:00

2006-04-02T01:23:29Z

i'm having one of those days.
i feel like the world's biggest Loser.
i just want to hide.

hanstheman @ 2006-03-29T12:31:00

2006-03-29T17:41:41Z

for so long i've had this nagging fear
that i will end up
passively
falling into another's plans.
that my own desires for my life would be
tossed aside
when someone else's plans - that have been calculated very well,
ask for me to join them.
no, i don't want your plans.
and i don't want yours either.

all my life i've had this nagging fear
that i will end up
living in accordance with your lives.
that all these 'radical' thoughts of mine
would just fade out eventually,
with age perhaps.
and that i'd end up just like you and one day
throw my hands onto my head
and shake it
vigorously
wondering "how did this happen? i've become you!!"
no, i will not give Compromise its satisfaction!

for quite some time now
i've had this nagging fear
that my lack of plans will inevitably
push me in
the direction
of your plans.
and that i might
settle
for mediocrity at its finest.
i'd live a life
that wasn't written for me
and i'd teach myself to smile through it.
the smile, that's what i'm afraid of.
becoming genuinely satisfied with mediocrity
and every now and then, on some lazy tuesday afternoon,
i'd throw my hands on my head
and shake shake shake it
furiously
and wonder "where have i been? how did this happen!!?"

compliance has never been asked of me outrightly, i know.
but i know that the desire is there.
ideally, you'd like me to compromise.
ideally, i would turn out just like you.
and i don't despise you for it
or judge you for it.
because i feel it too, i do.

hanstheman @ 2006-03-13T19:24:00

2006-03-14T00:20:44Z

i caught the bug!

1. I'll respond with something random I like about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll name something we should do together.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or just me).
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll leave you a quote that is somehow appropriate to you.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal.

hanstheman @ 2006-03-12T19:40:00

2006-03-13T01:34:12Z

SO! my very first show (for which i actually applied for and such) opened this weekend!
it's called let me tell you and is being displayed at Art Mur for the next week.
it was an exciting and nerve racking experience which i hope to enjoy much more of for the rest of my life.

things i've learned:

-food and beverage are very important (for the vernissage a.k.a. "opening night") i contributed to it with 44 pink frosted cupcakes. credit due to neil botelho a.k.a. "master cake decorator" each one was devoured.

-i am still growing so so so so so so much more as an artist than i thought and probably even realize now. the work that i showed was only made about 3 months ago and already i look at it and cringe.
i think that was the most interesting aspect about the whole experience. i really hated the work that i was showing and quite honestly was embarassed to show it. but throughout the vernissage i had time to watch people look at it and hear others' more objective feedback and was able to find a new appreciation for it.

-i am pretty in-articulate in speech. i was interviewed by TV McGill and found it really difficult to express my thought processes and whatnot when asked. maybe it was the microphone or the camera that made me nervous but i now know that i should work on that part of myself and also to better prepare myself beforehand in terms of sorting out my thoughts and maybe even going over my initial project statement/proposal so i can refresh myself on what exactly it was that i was trying to do and say. it's funny how you really lose yourself in a work sometimes. i get so involved that i completely forget about what i was actually trying to say in the first place. but yes, now i know to do those things.

-make myself more available. i am a little regretful of the fact that i didn't really talk to many strangers about my work. when people approached me about my work i kind of just stood there and didn't say all that much. sometimes when i am put in situations that make me anxious and a little nervous, i just am not on. and i kind of just float around. then when i leave i feel like the whole experience was a big blur. i should have been "ON" more and should have been more engaged in conversation with strangers about my work. dayum. i know that when i really enjoy art i love talking in depth with the artist about it and asking questions and i love when the artist is responsive and open and engaging. i failed miserably on this. haha but now i know.

-support is so necessary. it was so amazing to have my friends, my beau, and my family there with me right by my side cheering me on. i'm so thankful for that. you guys are amazing!! <3

all in all, it was a very new and exciting experience.
it definately taught me a lot of valuable lessons.

enough yappin'
here's some pictures of the speedy weekend

my work, I am I am I am We

talking with my papa

me being a big nerd

jeff tells us what he realllly thinks!

and the best way to pick up a girl is...grabbing your crotch. that's right boys, it works every time.

metro love

singing and drinking outside made me think of camping
the weather was gorgeous this weekend in montreal

granny wilfrina rocking out

har har

halos flew down from the sky...

fun times!!\

hanstheman @ 2006-03-07T12:24:00

2006-03-07T17:20:40Z

my left eye has been twitching for a couple hours now.
tuesday twitching has hit me again.

everyone's talking about our camping trip now and it's got me so hyper about it
can't wait can't wait can't wait!!!!!
only 5 months away..

hanstheman @ 2006-02-27T18:49:00

2006-02-28T00:20:30Z

life feels dull recently.
even though i have lots of things lined up for me that should excite me, i just can't be bothered.
i don't know what it is.
i like to blame the weather.
simple, non-scary answer.
so it's the weather, i say.

i have monstrous amounts of work that i should be doing right now
but i seem to have misplaced any motivation that i once might have possessed.

and so i tell myself that the root of my problems
is that i am in a state of self-absorption.
i get so wrapped up in my own life that all my so-called
problems are exploded into life-threatening situations.
ever get disgusted with yourself?
i do.

i realize that i am one of the most fickle-minded,
fickle-hearted
temperamental persons to come to be.
and i have tried to examine this behavior of mine recently
i've been trying to disconnect the dots and find out where this came from.
and i can blame parenting all i want.
but somehow, i feel like i should blame myself.
i have all these internal mechanisms working in me all of the time.
they drive me crazy sometimes
i want to do a massive shut down
and go wild.
be dumb.
be thoughtless.
be, without considering what it is that i am being.

during my break in toronto
i found an old watch that i used to wear when i was about 9 or 10 years old.
it no longer works and i put it on and wore it for a little while.
i loved seeing it on my wrist.
somehow, it kept me in touch with myself.
i feel that i have been losing myself left and right everywhere i go.
i drop pieces of me everywhere, in hopes of finding the 'better' me.
this watch kept me grounded a bit i think.
it reminded me of who i really am; the child me.
and the child is really the purest and most powerful version of a person, i think.
that watch made me feel like i could be me without apology.

in a rush to pack on sunday morning i left it on my dresser.
and it makes me a little sad.
but i will come back for it.

well. it's 7:23 pm and i told myself i would start working at 7.
so i am late.
until next time...

i stoled this idea..

2006-02-06T17:26:37Z

because valentine's day is coming up
and because it might be fun
under the cut, in the comments section post:

1. your name and something about you
2. a picture of your crush/significant other etc. and their name
3. how you met/know/not know them, got together..
4. tell me something about them that intrigues you, excites you, etc.

1. my name is hanna, and i'm pretty sure that a helmet saved me from my 4th concussion this weekend. go helmets!
2.
sir jeffrey gomes
3. we met in highschool 3 years ago and got to know each other during a band trip to germany and austria...many all nighters!
4. he is really the most amazing man alive. hands down. he just has the purest intent and the most loving and selfless attitude...i also love that he loves math and i love art. last but not least, his energy. if you know jeffrey, you know he's quite the handful. but i love it..keeps things interesting :)

i want everyone who reads this to do it!
i vant to see your lovers
alrighty, go nuts!! :)